Feeling Sick

My Gut is Wrenching in pain.
Why did I decide to do this.

My days Been Pretty Shit.
I Didn't Even go to School.
Why? I'm Tired. I'm Just fed Up.
I don't even Know what I'm Fed Up with.
I Went to my grandmothers Today.
Talked to An Old friend On the phone.
He's Amazing.
He's The one I Worry about all the time.
He's the One Who doesn't Even realize the Importance of our Friendship is.
He Told me something.
That someone ; I'm not saying who ; Is spreading Rumors about me.
I'm not even going to Say what this rumor is.
What Surprised Me most ; Is that It was a Close Friend who Decided to say this.
Im Just Fucking Sick and Tired of everything.
I'm Tired Of smiling.
I'm Tired Of Consoling people All The time.
I'm Being harsh. I Know Im not really like this.
Im just Sick Of it.
My tooth Hurt a Little When I Was at my moms.
She asked If I Wanted An Oxycontin.
I Said Yes.
How stupid am I? I Knew How powerful this pill Is.
I Said It due to the Soothing Sensation it gives my Body.
I Was Sick of Everything ; And I Just wanted a Break.
I thought This could be an Opportune Moment .
Soon enough It Started to work.
I Couldn't feel Anything.
I Layed In bed. My mind was Blank. I Let go of Every worry That consisted in my Body.
And Now Im Just sick.
Physically sick.
I'm Ready to start Barfing any Second Now.
How stupid am I To take my Grandfathers Medication?
I wasn't Stupid. I Was Desperate.
Desperate to Pour out My conscious.
One Little Pill Is Killing me.
Ill never make that Decision again.
You see ; Everyone Learns from their Mistakes.
I Can't Carry all these Virulent and angered Thoughts anymore.
Its a Poison I'm Feeding to myself.
I Need a Break.
I Need to let go.
I'm Finished Now.
Even If I Still Must feel Sick.

Take A Peek

Lets take a Peek Into Today.

It was Fun to be with You ; My old Friend.

We talked like we did in grade 9.

But theres something different about you now.

What happened to us?

I Wonder sometimes If you forgot about me .

Remember I Used to think You were a Bitch?

Remember all those memorries we shared?

Day by day ; Hours Passed by and We would Never forget about eachother.

Seconds passed ; And you were always there.

You met another.

Im glad you did. She's a Great person. Way better then I Could have ever been.

I Wish I Could be there for you more.

I wish we could Talk all the time.

You have your 3.

Im moving ; So hopefully I'll have my 3 as well.

This is not a Bitter ending.

The sweet seed of friendship most grow ; We must gain branches to live ; we must bear The fruit of love to prosper.

Ill be that Rotting fruit ; On the ground ; Looking up to you.

Ill always look up to you.

Every moment , day by day.

You were the Best of friends.

Im sorry , This is comming to an end.

Aside from the Lasting smiles we shared this morning ;

The rest of my day Was pretty Fine.

I Played the Flute.

I Was so fail.

We had a Festival.

I had to play With grade 11s and 12s.

Oh Happy Joy Joy Happy.

After that School Finished, I Was enjoying my time with Maria and Christina and the boys.

Ahaha.

Then I Went to see my Dear Gabbrielle.

You came along ; walking aside with your dog.

You seemed Upset since the Last time we met.

Whats Wrong?

I asked over and Over again.

You replied with small Words Like, "Yeah , Im Fine"

Where You really fine?

I Hope I Didn't Put you in a Awkward Position.

I know what You're Facing with Her.

The Only Problem is I both Love you .

My 2 Dearest Friends.

I don't Want to be caught In a situation were I might Lose one.

If I Try to Be more Enthausiastic about one ; It feels Im neglecting another.

Both Of you mean the World to me.

I wish we Could put all The shit aside.

Remember Grade 8?

Boy ; How we've changed.

Im not One to Judge or Be Biased.

But Don't Lie to me , My dear friends.

You Wished Life could Rewind , Back to The day of Those Simple Laughs.

Were the Drama Was Not finishing Homework.

Hahaha. I don't Wont te get myself Lost into the Lost memories.

All I'll get in Return is the Tears.

What Im trying to Convey here ; Is the fact that I don't Want to lose The people I Care about.

Remember.

I've Cried for the Both of you.

I don't Want to cry about just One of you.

I just Dont want to Cry.

Anymore.

I Dont want this To be concieted.

And I Feel Like it is.

Its A Blog ; and All I Ever want to Do is talk about Those Around me.

Haha ; I'm Such an Oxymoron.

I Hope both Of you will get to read this.

M & L.

Im sorry If I Ever hurt you Both.

You both have the Smiles of angels.

But The frustration of Devils.

Both of You have problems.

And I wish I Could Solve them All.

Theres 2 of You.

And only 1 of me.

My days At Bosco Are Becoming more and More Irrataing.

Im not going to Lie to You.

I'm Desperate to Move.

All miss the few Who I Treasure.

But what Lies at Johnson ; Seems like the better for me.

I Saw you again today.

When I Saw Your Face ; I Knew You had something to say.

You always have something to say.

I Love listening to you.

And I love when you Consider listening to me.

Im Being honest here, My dear friend.

I think I Treasure you more then Anyone I've ever Met.

As We walked together to "Your" Car.

You mentioned Him.

He Likes you Again.

Im glad he does.

Im glad I Can see that Missing piece Be filled again.

I Thought He was leading you on.

But in reality ; He lied about lieing.

He Really does love you.

Do you realize that , My dear Friend?

He Loves you.

Don't be cynical.

I can see Smiles In your eyes.

You're Grinning through your Movements.

You're happy again.

But why?

Why, my Dearest Friend.

Why Do I feel bitter?

My childish Fantasies over expanding in my mind that day Me and Him talked.

I Thought more then I should of.

Im guilty of saying this.

I wish I Could of been with him.

I havent fell in love for 3 years.

I Miss the grasping emotion.

But that was then.

And This is now.

I was Oh so very Childish to Grasp Such fantasies and Let them Dilly Dally in my mind.

I Love you , My dear Friend.

Your happiness is what Completes me.

Not him. Never.

I don't want to Speak of this no longer.

Us, Its what means More to me.

Im Defiantly Surprised By Your future Boyfriends Actions.

[/WinkWink]

I think This really proves something.

The fact he didn't want to hurt you.

Although he did end up doing it ; He's here to correct that.

My dear friend.

Did you see the way you smiled today?

you're in Love again.

You're Not lost anymore.

Ill be here for every moment you spend with your emotions.

Whether its Love ;

Or even hate.

Tell me Dear Friend.

Talk to me like theres no end.

Love.

It's May ;

And I'll im noticing is Love.

Everythings Falling for it.

Will I Be one of those to be Caught in that Ruse?

Love Likes to Be a Mockery to My emotions.

Love gives me those Sleepless night.

Love gives me those thoughts ; always about you.

But who's Going to Captivate it now?

I'd Like to finish this off with an Apology.

To all those Men Who I've "Loved"

All It ended Up doing ;

Was Hurting myself.

Im done with that.

I want to start off new.

So lets take a peek , My dear friends.

Into the Next chapter ,

I Want to Live forever.

A Memory that Will never

Ever

End.

Don't Get Lost

Please Don't Get Lost, My Dear Friend.

They Tell you to listen to your heart ;

But whats Really inside there?

You're never Hollow.

You're Never Full.

Your heart can Never Pour out with Bleeding emotions.

Theres no capacity of Love you can carry.

My dear Friend.

Please Don't get lost.

They'll Try to Find your Weakest point.

And Defeat you.

Breaking your Heart Joint by Joint.

You Take a Step back .

You're Still Smiling, My dear friend.

And what Deprives you the most ;

Is what you call

Your fault.

Remember when You first Loved him?

You called him your First love.

I called him a Mistake.

Did you realize?

I Still don't Know if You do today.

You were Blinded .

His "Love" Masked You like a Blindfold.

His words Weren't Strong ; But they meant the World to you.

Months Passed.

It ended.

It hurt.

My dear Friend, Please Don't get lost.

The ending feelings was First a Stunning result of a Broken heart.

Then you Slowly progressed in the Bitter Morals of Anxiety.

You couldn't Sleep. I Know you Couldn't . Don't Lie to me.

You Couldn't Breath. Asphyxiated From his Last words.

You couldn't Live. Life was A Meaningless 4 letter Word.

We were There My dear Friend. Trying to find you.

We did what we could, To Mend the Pieces Of your Glass Heart.

You surprised Us with a Smile ; We loved the way you Looked after the worst was over.

It wasn't .

Dont lie to me my Dear Friend.

I Know you're Still Lost.

Another Man Develops a Piece into your Heart.

He took me By surprise. And this was Only today.

He could Read you.

Inside Out, Upside down, Even Backwards.

Did he break the Code of your Heart? Can he really Grasp every Corner of your emotions?

I don't Even know my dear friend.

Does He give you smiles?

Does he Give you Butterflies?

Does he Give you Warmth at Night?

Please tell me friend, Are you still lost?

He comes back into Your life.

Pleading words of Love

Of marriage.

Of a Better Life Together.

Is it really what you Would of expected?

I Thought he Changed.

But He lead you on.

Like a Mouse stuck in a maze

There's no Exit to this maze dear friend.

Theres one in his heart already.

And he redeemed his feelings of love by Talking to you.

He vented out to you.

You Loved him.

He tore you.

You Wanted him.

He wanted her.

And now You think You're Naive for Following the Clues.

I even thought these Clues Would of ended Up in his arms.

I Was Wrong of course.

You were wrong.

But In reality.

He was wrong for Letting you go.

He was Wrong for losing the Girl who could change everything.

It ended For the Both of you.

Was it For the better?

My dear Friend, That's Up to you.

Try to figure out your Heart.

Try to find whats There.

Try to Demolish Lost feelings.

Try to Gain new Ones.

My dear Friend.

Please Dont get Lost.

There's A First Time For Everything.

There's a First time For Friendship ;

To Make new Memmories Like A Cartoon Strip.

It's Not what I Was going to be Expecting in myself.

To Care So Much about another.

You're Close to me ;

And I'm Just like your Mother.

Becareful Little girl ;

Its cold out in the World.

The way they Look at you.

It's Not something That Wouldn't Seem Very true.

But Don't Fret Little Girl ;

You Know the Secret.

And It's Locked Deep Beneath them.

You Hold it Like Treasure.

I Hope you'll Keep it forever.

My dear Friend.

You're Still a Little girl.

Maybe One day You'll Realize ;

How important you are ;

In this world.

There's a First Time For Everything.

Even A Blog, I Suppose?

Hah ;

Actually, This is My Second Blog.

My First One didn't Recieve as Much Love as I Wanted to give it.

But I'll try Hard to Make this one Last.

That Poem above Is for a Close friend , Who I Treat A Lot more Like a Daughter.

Of course There's Time to be silly.

But theres always a Time to Enroll myself In caring about other people.

I Always Have. But I Want to make a Lasting impression.

One day everyones going to go their Seperate ways.

And the Only thing Everyone keeps are the Memmories.

I Want to Leave a mark in thier heart of a

Normal

Everyday

Person.

That's Where I'm wrong.

Normal is not what I would be set up for.

I Put the Fun in Dysfunctional.

I'll let your Mind ponder on What I Mean.

I Saw him Yesterday.

You changed.

Not by much ; But It was a Lasting Impression on my thoughts.

I Wasn't Strained by this all night.

Just now and again, I Would think about how much you've Transitioned.

I'm More sympathetical About the fact of how You took a Disguise .

And caught me by Surprise.

It was Nice to be with You 2 again.

If its a Meeting of dreams ; You 2 are always there.

I'm Sorry for last night.

I Dont know what Emotions Took an Uproaring spiral upon my Concious.

It was Suppose to Be a Fun All Nighter.

Im Sorry I Filled it with tears.

I'm going to keep hold of myself next time.

It was Him.

You said His name.

You knew He was on my Mind right away.

Why, You might ask?

Because He conceals it so well.

I cant tell What hes feeling anymore.

We said our Sorries Many times.

But why does this still feel like a crime?

To be crying about you.

All the time.

Aside From the Tears ; Im glad we could talk.

My Apologies I Try to Convey to the Both of you Take no Disguise.

Im Doing my best to be honest. You two Shine light on me ,

And im not going to ever take advantage of that.

So He got stuck in my Heart.

Swelled my emotions.

And made it Burst with Butterflies.

It was an Feeling of Friendship Adultry.

I Knew it was wrong.

I Knew You still Had him locked in your heart.

I Was trying to find the key ;

Trying to set him free.

How Conspicious is that?

To do that to you.

You weren't Over him.

And now theres 2.

It happen with surprise ;

At every moment I Would Look into his eyes.

But as I Stare ;

A Feeling of Guilty and Despair ;

Always lingires there.

So the Apology is placed for you.

Because I Had No Right to Interfer

With the Both of you.

There's a first time for apologies.

To try and show, The real me.